In the early hours of this morning, I could hear the song being sung in my heart and mind, “Death Was Arrested” by North Point Worship. For about 15 years now, as I sleep, often there are worship songs going through my mind, but on occasion, some seem to be more prominent, like they aren't just the Lord singing over me, but they are the announcing of something, or the feeling of God more intently leaning into my life through song. It's really hard to explain and articulate, but I just love this part of my relationship with God, especially when for many years I had night terrors. I'd hear these songs in my mind as I slept but also experience night terrors. But since my night terrors abated some 18 months ago now, I don't get as many songs as I sleep, but plenty of very vivid dreams.
Today, I want to explore the topic of PTSD and trauma. For those who don’t know, PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Just to open the can of worms, we can encounter this through the natural world as well as through the church.
Often, we can get so caught up in expectations, our goals, and how we are going to achieve them that we drift further and further away from the centre—a place of peace and rest. We need to live in gratitude while having an expectation of God's goodness, but without anxiety or a bent on striving or getting into dead works. This always leads to a disquieted soul.
Many years ago, back in the extreme turmoil of the past, I had the most beautiful, delightful, and emotional encounter with Jesus. In my late 20s, I found myself in a position where I had to move out of the home I lived in with my wife and two boys. We had been married for about 12 months after approximately 6 years of on-and-off proximity to each other. We both had severe drug addiction issues at times. We both came to know Jesus, first me, then her, hence our marriage after years of turmoil.
This morning, as I was downstairs in my apartment complex gym, I was hanging from the chin-up bar after doing some rowing. I hung for a while, as I have lower back compression, and hanging there provides a good stretch and separates the components of the lower spine. When you are hanging like that, it is hard to breathe, quite restricted and uncomfortable really. I thought to myself, this is the tiniest amount of extreme pain and discomfort I’m experiencing right now compared to what our beautiful Jesus experienced and suffered, hanging on that cross for me, for us, for humanity.
This morning, I wanted to take a wander through how the Trinity—the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit—has been a comfort to me over the years. Often, life can be quite lonely. We can be generally lonely, doing life very much with people, family, and friends on the fringes, but still feel lonely. We can be lonely in a marriage, and we can be lonely in a church or workplace due to being different or having circumstances and a life lived that people find it hard to identify with. I believe our Father's heart is for us not to be lonely, but sometimes life seems to be that way for a myriad of reasons.
This morning, as I woke up, the Lord just gently said the words, “a city on a hill.” So, I thought I might explore that in today's writing.
Of course, as soon as I got a chance, I pulled up the scripture with those specific words in it. In Matthew 5:14-16, we read, “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
So often in life, we find ourselves at a precipice, a place where the old is passing away and new adventures lie ahead. This can be an uncomfortable process, especially considering that God is always drawing us into seasons of growth and consolidation. There is an adjustment we go through, a process we endure when transitioning from one season to the next, which can be unnerving, to say the least.